How to Help Your Child Be Assertive in Social Situations (Even When They're Being Ignored)

By Sabrina Ragan, Child Psychologist & Founder of The Empowered Mom’s Community

Why This Hurts So Much (And Why You're Not Alone)

You pick your child up from school, and your heart sinks. While other kids laugh and chase each other on the playground, your child is sitting quietly, picking at their snack or staring at their backpack straps. You ask how their day went, and they mumble something about feeling left out — or worse, they say 'I don't know,' and then nothing at all. Their silence fills the car with questions you don’t know how to ask.

If this hits a little too close to home, you're not alone. Seeing your child ignored or excluded is gut-wrenching. It triggers every protective instinct you have — the urge to fix it, to smooth it over, to make it better.

But what if there's a better way to support your child — one that doesn't involve rescuing, but rather empowering?

Why Being Ignored Can Crush a Child’s Confidence

For kids, peer acceptance is everything. When they're excluded, it can feel like a silent message that says, “You’re not wanted,” or "You're not good enough." That kind of social pain registers in the brain much like physical pain does, especially for younger children who haven’t yet developed the skills to self-soothe or process rejection.

When this happens repeatedly, it doesn't just hurt; it can chip away at your child’s:

• Self-esteem

• Self-confidence

• Emotional and behavioural regulation

• Motivation to engage socially again

That’s why teaching assertiveness and emotional resilience is one of the greatest gifts we can offer our kids.

The Real Goal: Confidence, Not Popularity

It is not necessary to your child's overall development to be the most popular in class. Popularity doesn't teach core life skills — like emotional regulation, setting boundaries, or making respectful connections. What truly matters is that they feel confident in who they are and how they relate to others. We want them to feel secure enough to speak up for themselves, make meaningful connections, and walk away from situations that don’t feel good, without internalizing shame.

Assertiveness is the sweet spot between passivity and aggression. It helps kids:

• Set boundaries with kindness

• Express needs clearly

• Stand up for themselves without hurting others

And it starts with us, their parents.

5 Powerful Ways to Help Your Child Be More Assertive (and Less Likely to Get Steamrolled)

1. Practice Confident Body Language

Amy Cuddy’s research on power poses shows that body posture affects how we feel. Teach your child to:

• Stand tall with shoulders back

• Make eye contact (even if brief)

• Speak loud enough to be heard

Try playing pretend: let your child be a superhero giving a big speech or a pirate captain leading their crew. Confidence grows through imaginative role play. You can also stand in front of a mirror and strike poses like someone they believe is confident — maybe a lion, a teacher, or a favourite character. Or play charades with confident characters to make it fun and expressive. 

2. Roleplay Tough Scenarios at Home

Use stuffed animals or dolls to act out situations where one character is left out or teased. Ask questions like:

• “What could they say to speak up?”

• “What’s another way to respond?”

Let your child practice responses in a low-stress, safe environment.

3. Teach Assertive Phrases

Give your child scripts they can use when they need to stand up for themselves:

• “Hey, can I play too?”

• “I don’t like it when you do that.”

• “Let’s take turns.”

Repeat these during playtime, car rides, or while brushing teeth. Rehearsing makes real-life use easier.

4. Coach Without Rescuing

Instead of jumping in to “fix” things, coach them through what happened:

• “How did that feel?”

• “What could you try next time?”

• “Want to practice saying that together?”

This builds self-trust and helps them feel capable of handling hard moments.

5. Celebrate Brave Moments (Even Tiny Ones)

Did your child wave at a new friend? Speak up at circle time? Ask to join a game, even if they were turned down?

Celebrate it. Highlight the courage. Confidence doesn’t come from always succeeding — it comes from trying again.

Extra Support: Building Social Skills Beyond Assertiveness

Assertiveness is just one part of a child’s social world. To help your child feel confident and connected, you can also:

✅ Encourage Eye Contact

Even brief eye contact helps kids feel more grounded and invites connection. Practice it through silly staring contests or during story time.

✅ Teach the Art of Questions

Children often fear saying the “wrong” thing. Show them how to be curious:

• “What’s your favourite game?”

• “How did you build that?”

Roleplay interviewing each other like reporters — it’s a fun way to build conversation skills.

✅ Respect Their Limits

Not all kids are wired for big social crowds. Some prefer one-on-one play. That’s okay. Help your child understand their own comfort zone while gently stretching it.

✅ Play Turn-Taking Games

Board games and simple turn-based play build patience, empathy, and collaboration. These are foundational social skills kids use every day.

✅ Teach About Personal Space

Use hula hoops or pillows on the floor to teach the concept of “space bubbles.” Help your child understand when it’s okay to be close and when to give others room.

The Parent's Role: Stay Close, Stay Calm

Remember, your child’s ability to handle tough social moments isn’t just about what you teach — it’s also about how safe they feel coming to you.

They don’t need you to have all the answers. They need you to:

• Stay calm when they’re hurt

• Help them make sense of hard feelings

• Remind them they are loved, worthy, and capable

The more safety they feel with you, the more confident they’ll feel navigating the world.

Take the Next Step

If you’ve ever struggled with the question, “Should I step in when my child feels excluded?” — you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common dilemmas parents face, and knowing when to support versus when to empower can feel like walking a tightrope.

🎥 **Watch my latest video: **Should You Step In When Your Child Feels Excluded? In this heart-to-heart episode, I walk you through:

• When to intervene (and when not to)

• What to say to your child in the moment

• How to help them build social resilience and confidence — even when they’re being left out

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Let’s walk this parenting journey together — with confidence, clarity, and connection.

Written by Sabrina Ragan

Child Psychologist, Play Therapist, and Founder of The Empowered Mom’s Community at The Parents Connection

At The Empowered Mom’s Community, we help overwhelmed moms move from frustration and guilt to calm, confident parenting—using brain-based strategies, attachment-focused tools, and a whole lot of heart.